I made this for My Angel Nevaeh Grace
I just made a wish On Wish Upon a Hero if anyone is interested in reading it.
http://www.wishuponahero.com/wishes/?id=287113 click title to go to wish. Thank you.
I would also say thank you for keeping up with my blog. It warms my heart that there are good people in this world who still care about more than just themselves. I know that I do not comment on everyone elses blogs but I do when I have time read each of them. It may be a day or so after they are posted but I do read them and they are an inspiration to me.
Anyway today was a pretty inbetween day for me. I did not get up until 11:30am and that was only cause my hubby who works nights had to go to bed and I needed to get up with the girls so that they did not destroy the house......as if it is not already that way to begin with. He also could not contain himself with the letter that we received this afternoon in the mail for Makenize. My baby girl was accepted into Pre-K. My baby is growing up and off to school. So I now have a 1st grader and a Pre-K kid......what will I do with my free time???? I know that the first few months after school begins are going to be extremely rough and I will not want to do anything but lay in bed, but I will be praying that God will give me the strength to handle what he is giving me. I am still not sure how long my hubby is going to be able to take off from work, but I know that I will need him here with me for a long time. I may sound selfish, but I do not want to be alone. His work has already OKed him 6 weeks for FMLA, but it is not paid for and we can not go without money for that long as that is our only income and we live pay to pay as it is. So I will just have to deal with being alone after he goes back to work. I will just sleep or lay on the couch or in bed by him while he sleeps. The closer it gets to my due date the more scared I get. I do not want this to end yet, I am not ready. I know that I will never ever be ready though. I am not to proud to say that I am Scared to Death to loose my baby girl Nevaeh Grace. I wish that I could keep her in me forever and keep her safe. But I have to let go and let her go be with Jesus. I trust that he will take excellent care of her, but I will be left empty. And I just dont know how I will be able to handle that feeling. I just feel like I am slowly dying right now. Is that normal?? Am I going crazy??? I know that I have to be strong for my other babies and for my hubby, but sometimes it is sooooo very hard. I smile in public like nothing is wrong, but deep down inside I am crying and dying. I am finding it hard to enjoy everyday things and getting aggrevated over stupid things and flying off the deepend over nothing. I hate hurting my baby girls feelings and I do not want them to think or feel in anyway that mommy does not love them. Cause they are the world to me and I would do anything for them that is in my power. If I had the money and the means I would give them everything that they could ever ask for. All I can say is that I am trying my best, but I feel that my best is not good enough.
I did manage to take them out back this afternoon to swim. I got in and cooled off and sat in the steps and walked around a bit, but then I got out and just watched them and took some pics of them. All I wanted to do was come inside and curl up in a ball on the couch and go to sleep. I feel so bad that I could not enjoy them having fun and playing. Am I a bad person for that?? Then when my hubby got up he made hotdogs on the grill and then he wanted to get in the pool. He asked me and I said that I just did not want to. He just wanted to spend some time with me in there, but I just wanted to be left alone. I know that he was hurt by it and I am sorry. I feel like I am neglecting him too. He just took the girls back out for about an hour. I did manage to walk out and sit in a chair and watch for a while and take a few more pics. I just feel like a crappy mommy and a horrible wife.
On another note the PreK letter put Kenz on the move about potty training. After she learned that she was indeed going to school in September she was ready to pee and poo on the potty. Off came the pull up and on went the biggie girl panties. No accidents whats so ever. She peed in the potty and was soooo proud of herself. She even jumped out of the pool a few times to stand in the grass to pee. I had to fight her to get her in a pull up for bed. So we will see what happens tomorrow. I am going to post some pool pics on here and then I am headed to bed. My pill is kicking in and I can barely keep my eyes open. Love and Hugs to Alllllllll, Mia
0 comments:
Post a Comment