Our Anencephaly Journey

Sorry that I have not been updating.....

2010-01-26T16:44:00.002-05:00

Hello everyone. I am sorry that I have not been updating, but I just haven't been able to force myself to talk about Nevaeh. I know that I need to do it more often. I have been trying to block out my pain, but have come to realize that I am making my life and my families life a misery. I have been told that talking about my angel will help me heal. I just dont know how that will help, but I am trying this out. I miss her more and more every day that passes by. I still to this day sleep with her blanket every night. That is comfort to me. The girls have been asking about her more and more lately. They say that they miss her so much. The other night while Makenzie and I where laying in bed she looked over at me with such a sad and serious face and said "Mommy, when is Nevaeh gonna be done with Jesus and come back home and live with us cause I miss her sooooooo much?" That just broke my heart into a thousand little pieces. Then she asked if we where gonna get a new baby since Nevaeh died and went to heaven.

Christmas Cards Pour in for 5-Year-Old Boy Dying of Cancer

2009-11-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

Christmas Cards Pour in for 5-Year-Old Boy Dying of Cancer

Our Angel Nevaeh Grace

2009-09-24T11:14:00.001-04:00

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My Family

2009-09-16T21:24:00.000-04:00

Baby Trinadee Update.....

2009-09-15T21:10:00.002-04:00

Just recieved a message from Rebecca. Baby Trinadee was born at 1:36pm and lived for about 15 mins. She weighed 3lbs 9ozand was 16 1/2 in long. She told me that it was ok to update everyone. She is the most beautiful little angel too.....Thank you for keeping them in your prayers. Please continue to pray for them as they continue their long journey. As they will have a very tough and rocky road ahead. Bless you all for your kindness and support. I have passed the prayers on to the family and will continue to do so. Thank you all.

Please keep Dear friends Darin and Rebecca In your prayers today......

2009-09-15T07:22:00.002-04:00

Please pray for my dear friends Darin and Rebecca today, as they deliver Baby Trinadee, she has Anecephaly like our precious Nevaeh Grace. Lord please wrap your arms around this family and hold them tight as they walk this journey tomorrow. My heart is aching for them right now.........

NILMDTS Photo's atleast some of them....

2009-08-28T22:06:00.005-04:00

Nevaeh Grace Spiker

2009-08-28T08:09:00.003-04:00

Well, as most of you know. I went into the hospital early Tuesday morning August 25th to give birth via c-section to our Angel Nevaeh Grace. She graced us with her beautiful presence at 8:15am and we heard her make a couple little grunts and moved her eyes a little bit. She passed peacefully in mommy's arms with daddy right beside of her 59 mins later at 9:14am right before her big sisters walked into the room to see their baby sister that they had been longing to meet. I am telling you what, they are some very proud big sisters too!!! Makailyn brought her little V-Tech camera and took so many pictures right along with Dina our NILMDTS photographer. She was so adorable. They could not get enough of Nevaeh, and wanted to constantly hold her.

Little Miss Nevaeh Grace Spiker was born Tuesday August 25th 2009 at 8:15am weighing 3lbs. 13.6oz. and was 15 1/4in long. Her little head measured 8 3/4in. and her chest was 10 1/8. She had the cutest little nose and the longest little feet and toes. While I was bathing her Makenzie who is now 3 asked me if I was done. I told her yes that she was all done with her bath and she looked at me so seriously and said "Mommy you forgot to wash her face." I said to her honey I washed it and she said "No you didnt mommy cause it is still dirty." That made me smile and tear up at the same time. Nevaeh was really bruised and turned blue fast, So Makenzie thought that she was dirty. Matter of fact she would not kiss her at first because she said she was too dirty. That was the first thing that she told everyone in the waiting room after seeing her. I know I got a little side tracked there. Nevaeh passed away in my arms at 9:14 am, 59 mins after she entered into our world. I am posting a few pics that I took and will try to update more often, but I dont know when. Here is a link to her obituary if you would like to read it. Nevaeh Grace Spiker's Obituary

Many Blessings and lots of Love, Thank you all for your support and prayers. They are what help me get through each and every day.

My Little Cheerleader had her 1st Game today!!!! Plus 3 days until Nevaeh arrives...

2009-08-22T20:41:00.004-04:00

Well my little Cheerleader had her first game today!! They did great!!! C-Team won their game 40-0, Makailyn had a great time!! Rained a little bit but not much. Just enough to make it hotter!! After we got home we found out that the teachers classes where posted at the school, so we quickly ran out and found out that Makailyn has Mrs. Marsh. That is who her daddy wanted her to have. She is so excited to start 1st grade!!! My baby is growing up too fast!!!!

Plus, we only have 3 days until our little Angel Nevaeh Grace makes her grand entrance. I am trying to get everything in order before the big day on Tuesday. I know that we are going to have tons of company. And my house is still a disaster!!! Will need to get my butt moving tomorrow after Sunday School and Church. That is if I can muster up any energy!!! Think that I pretty much have everything for Nevaeh in order, as well as it is going to get. I have to be in L&D @ 6am Tuesday morning and they are taking me back to the OR @ 7:30am. Please say a prayer for our family, as the last part of our journey. thank you all for the support and prayers. I know that this will be the toughest part. I just hope that we will be able to withstand this storm with the Lord holding us tight. Blessings and Love!!

Happy Birthday to my Momma in Heaven...I love and miss you so much....

2009-08-17T11:35:00.003-04:00

Well today I go to have my last ultrasound and Dr appointment before Little Miss Nevaeh's arrival. Only today is an extra special day. Today is my Momma who is in Heavens birthday. I miss her so much. She passed away when I was 7 years old and I really do not remember much about her. But I do remember how much she loved me and how much I love her. I think that I am giving her a very special birthday present even though she is going to be late, but my momma is going to have her very own Grandbaby to love and spoil. I am sad that Nevaeh is leaving us, but I am happy for my Mom. She is will take excellent care of her until I can be with her again. So Happy Birthday In Heaven Mom!!! I love you and miss you so much!!!

12 days and counting.....Lord Help Me To Be Strong

2009-08-13T17:18:00.002-04:00

Just realized there are 13 Days left until we meet our precious Angel Nevaeh Grace.....13 days....

2009-08-12T14:04:00.002-04:00

I know that I have not been updating regularly, but I have been having some very rough days. At this point in time I feel lost.....I do not know where to turn nor what to do next. I have to get my house in order before everything happens. When I say its a mess I do not mean that there is dust and it needs straightened up. When I say it is a mess I mean it is A MESS!!!! I managed to get my living room in order yesterday and today It does not look like it was touched. My family are tornadoes!!!! That is the reason that I have given up on cleaning!!!!!!!!!! I am so full of extra fluid at this point that it takes alot for me to do something. I get out of breath so easily. Plus I have been having these horrible headaches for the past week. I have been taking my fioricet, but that does not even touch it. I know that they are related to stress, but what can I do. That is my life...STRESS....! Yesterday and today I have felt really weird. Like I am floating. I have checked my pressure and it is normal and I have also checked my sugar and it is normal. I just dont know. Probably the heat.

We have been pretty busy lately with Makailyn's cheerleading practice which has been 4 nights a week. Our youngest Makenzie is really mad at me right now, because I did not have the money to register her in dance as I had promised. But that and cheerleading was before we found out about Nevaeh's diagnosis. That may be another reason I am down, I just feel like a failure right now in every way. I can not keep my house clean, I can not please my husband, I can not give my girls what they want or need and I can not provide for my baby girl Nevaeh. Sometimes I actually wonder if life is worth it. I know that that sounds harsh, but I am to my breaking point and I hope that God can lead me in the right direction. Bless you all for reading. And putting up with my whinning.

Dr Appointment Update...

2009-08-03T23:32:00.002-04:00

Well, we went to the Dr today. I have gained 3 pounds so now I am neg 13 instead of neg 16. Nevaeh is still really active. Her heart rate was 128 and the dr said that that is normal. She then told me that she has been talking to some other people about me wanting to have a c-section and she see's and understands where I am coming from. I am happy for that, so she is having an ultrasound done in 2 weeks which is August 17th (my Angel Mommy's Birthday) to see how much extra fluid I am retaining and what position Nevaeh is laying. Then on August 25th she is doing the c-section. That means that we only have 3 more weeks with Nevaeh safe and sound. I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks, because I was expecting to have her for another 7 weeks, not just 3 weeks. She told me that she feels that Nevaeh will have a better chance at surviving longer if she delivers at 36 weeks. I told her that even if it is just minutes with her, the c-section is worth it. So now I have so much to do and so little time to do it. I have a house to clean and arrangements to make and things to get in order for our angel. There is so much that I want for her and do not think I will be able to get. Seeing how our time has shortened so much. I just do not know what to do with myself. I have done nothing but cry off and on since my appointment. Dont get me wrong, I am so happy to be finally be able to meet her, but I want to be able to keep her safe longer.

I am so glad school clothing shopping is done. All we have to do now is get backpacks and supplies for the girls. I have to find out when Makenzie's home visit is, because it is usually the week that Makailyn goes back which is August 26th. I am torn to what I should do there too. Should I send her to her first day of school or what??? I dont know what would be best for her. I want her to be with me and her baby sister as long as possible, even after she passes. But I do not want her to miss out on her first day of school. I now have to figure out who her 1st grade teacher is so that I can let her know what is going on, plus find out who Makenzie has for Pre-K so that I can find out when home visits are. I just feel so overwhelmed right now and I do not know where to turn. I literally feel like I am going crazy!!! Well, I am going to "TRY" to get some sleep. I have to email the funeral director to see when we can make her arrangements, because I do not think that I can do it after the fact. Thank you so much for reading and the continued prayers. Bless you all and I love ya's. Mia

Items recently received in the mail from kind hearts...

2009-07-31T15:16:00.006-04:00

Here are some new items that baby Nevaeh has received in the mail from so wonderful ladies. These ladies are such wonderful and kind hearted people that I have ever met. I am forever grateful for their generosity and selflessness. Bless you all.

Bless you all and thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I promise that she will wear each and every one of the items if even for just a minute a piece and she will have her picture taken in each also. You are all our Angels and Hero's!!

Please check my friend Celia's Blog about Idle Hands...

2009-07-30T20:34:00.002-04:00

Celia is also an Anen mommy who has an Angel Baby named Noah who was born just a short 12 weeks ago and lived a miraculous 19 hours. She is trying to start a ministry on her blog to help other grieving families by making comforting little baby hats, and needs some help with a name for it and help promoting it. Here is her link so please take a minute to read it. Bless you and thank you.

http://noahbenjamin-ourstory.blogspot.com/2009/07/idle-hands.html

Starting to feel used.....

2009-07-27T09:14:00.002-04:00

Well I guess I am going to vent a little bit now. As you all know what my family and I are going through right now plus I have been taking care of my dad since December due to him having a quad bypass plus maze procedure. I am now somehow in charge of making sure my husbands grandmother is taking her meds and eating everyday. As I have wrote before, she has been sick since the middle of June with Pneumonia and now has since been diagnosed with fibrosis, COPD and Emphazema. She has lost about 20 pounds since June and is pretty much refusing to eat much at all. She has a daughter who tries her hardest to take care of her (whom is my mother in law) but she works pretty much full time and can not check on her everyday. She works at our local grocery story and has varying hours. She also has a son who does work full time, but he has set hours and when he gets off in the afternoon and drives pretty much right past our street and never stops because his beer waiting at home is to important than stopping to check on his mother. Then he goes home gets loaded and then starts calling everyone bitching at us and saying that we need to check on Mom and make sure she is ok. Well if he would bother stopping by sometime he would see that I am over there atleast 4-5 times a day checking on her. That is the second thing I do of a morning after getting my oldest ready and off to energy express. His own wife has not once stopped by to check on her own mother in law to see if she needs anything!!!! The only time he stops by is if he needs money to gamble or by cigs or beer!!! It is getting old and if any of them read this I could care less!!!! It needs to be said and I am the only one who will!!!! If they would ever show their faces around her I would tell them how self absorbed they are being!!!! I just wish that for once people would think of me and what I am going through. Do they forget??? Do they not care??? It hurts me so much. I feel like I am being walk over and stomped on and they do not care how I am mentally, physically or emotionally!!! I am only human and I am only one person. I am not a nurse nor am I super woman!!! I mean there are not enough hours in the day for me to take care of my own family let alone everyone else!! I feel like I am obligated to take care of my dad, because I am the only one he has. No one else ever checks on him or makes sure he has groceries or his meds. Plus he is my father and I do owe that to him!!! My life is just getting to be too much right now and I feel like it is caving in around me. I am being pushed to the max and to the limit and do not know how much more I can take!!! I am supposed to be enjoying what little time I have left with Nevaeh, and not feeling depressed every second of everyday!!! Heck I do not have time to clean my house!!! My house is a disaster and at this moment I could care less!!! I am being serious too!!! I should feel ashamed because of it, but I dont!! I just give up!! I dont care anymore!!! Not once has any one of my family or (so-called) friends offered to keep my girls for a while so that I can clean up or relax. Nor has anyone offered to help me around the house!!! It will be the same after I loose Nevaeh too. I will have to suck it up and do it all!!! I just want people to realize that I am only 1 person and I can NOT do everything!!!! I need time to myself. Time to cry, to get a hot shower in peace, to take a nap in peace.....At this point I just feel like giving up on everything!!! I know that after September comes and goes I am going to fall completely apart and not be able to function!!! Because I have no support at all!!! For those of you reading this who really know me, who think that just because you "SAY" that you support me through words does not "SHOW" your support!! And to the "FRIENDS" who say that they will do anything for me and will always be there. Where are you? I need you now.....If you really know me at all you should know that I do not ask for help. I hate asking!! I hate feeling like a bum!!! Offer your support, your time, your shoulder to cry one......Call me or stop in to check on me!!! I am just tired of being ALONE and feeling like I am the only one who is going through this right now!!!

OK enough venting. I have myself a mess right now. Thanks for reading!!

Please Keep Stellan in your prayers along with his family...

2009-07-26T22:40:00.003-04:00

Please say a prayer for baby Stellan and his family as they are have a hard time right now. Stellan is not doing well and needs prayers. Here is a link to his story if you do not already know it. Thank you and please keep this going.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Braving the great outdoors for school shopping...

2009-07-25T11:28:00.002-04:00

Hello all. Wish me luck today. As we take both girls school shopping. Makailyn will be a 1st grader and little Makenzie was excepted into Pre-K. My baby is growing up. It pains me to think that I will be spending time all by myself while they are in school this fall. I was so looking forward to having Nevaeh here with me bonding. As the beginning of school approaches so does her due date. And I am getting so scared. I have actually had people ask me if I am ready.....I mean come on....get real??? Is anyone ever ready or prepared to loose their baby?? My response is I will never be ready and try to hold back the tears. I just feel so lost these days. I am sure all of you angel mommy's know what I mean. But I have to and must stay strong for my family. Especially our girls!! They are getting so excited to meet their baby sister. My oldest Makailyn can not wait to hold her. I have explained to her that she may not be living when she gets to hold her and that if she is afraid that it was ok not to want to. But we are praying that we get some precious time so that she can experience her life as I have these past 32 weeks. Makailyn will even get her baby dolls out and say mommy Baby Nevaeh will look just like her only Nevaeh will have a flat head. She said she will be just as pretty. I think that she understands at her age which is 6. On the other hand I am starting to worry about Makenzie. She will look at me and tell me that her new baby sissy (Mavaeh is how she says it) is going to live with Jesus up in the sky with the angels and I will tell her yes, but then she will see a baby toy or the infant carseat and say mommy my baby sissy is going to have fun playing with this or sitting in this wont she? And I will try to explain to her that she will not be able to do those things. She recently found an old pair of booties that they use for their baby dolls and said mommy we need to get Mavaeh some of these. I said I know she will look beautiful in heaven wearing them, and she looked at me so seriously and said no mommy she will look bootiful wearing them at home too. It just breaks my heart. I am not prepared in how she will react at the hospital. She is wise for a 3 year old, but she is determined that Nevaeh is coming home with us before she goes to heaven. It just breaks my heart to pieces.

Anyway, about our shopping trip. We are going to venture to Cumberland to Gabriels to see what bargins we can find. Makailyn wants Nikes and I am hoping to find her a cheap pair there. We received our clothing vouchers a couple weeks ago, so we have decided to go before things get to hectic around here. So wish me luck. They both seem to be in a pretty good mood, but I swear they both have multiple personalities and their moods can change at the drop of a hat. I have my fingers crosses for a stressless day. Update when I return....Hopefully with all of my hair!! LOL

Been Looking for items for Nevaeh as the time gets closer.....

2009-07-16T11:23:00.002-04:00

Hello all. I have been busy looking everywhere for things for baby Nevaeh Grace. The most important thing has been trying to find her the perfect little hat for her little head. I have been to many websites and stores and everything looks so big. I am not sure of what size to buy for her, but I am sure that it is small. My sister stopped by yesterday with a bag from walmart. She bought her 3 beanies that look pretty small and one beanie that is a newborn that comes with little booties that are disney princess. I am very appreciative of that. Thanks Sis!!
I have been on Ebay and can not really find anything buy 0-6 months and a few newborns and i do not know if they will be small enough as I can not judge the size. So I remembered Etsy.com. I once used to make baby shower items and wreaths and sell them on there, so I went back in search for something. I looked and looked, but everything seemed to look so big. So on there they have something called Alchemy, where you make a custom listing. So I made a custom listing explaining what I needed and why I needed them and within minutes my conversations where filling up. I had put on there that I was willing to pay for the hats, but did not have alot of money for them. As some people have up to $25.00 on some of their items. Dont get me wrong, they are absolutely beautiful. I am just in awwww of all of the generous people still left in this world. I have had offers for blankets to be made for her with her name on them as a gift, many bonnets, beanies, and little hats as gifts or I pay shipping. Items for my older girls as gifts for them. Dresses, handmade frames, memory boxes, shadow boxes, little wooden dolls, matted poems, baby cocoons, a pendent with her name on it, and calligraphy. I am sure that I am missing a few things. It is overwhelming, and warms my heart so much that people want to gift Nevaeh and her big sisters these items. The one thing that really shocked me was a lady who draws in charcoal, she wants a family picture of all of us or just Nevaeh after she is born and the only thing she asks if for shipping to be paid. I would be blessed in having that to hang on my wall as her talent is unbelievable.
Yesterday I received a cut little hat that looks like an upside down tulip that is pink and has a green stem and leaf on the top.
Today I just received a package that had a pink baby cocoon, 2 little crocheted hats, and 2 flower crocheted hair ties for the girls.

I am just so blessed to have so many loving a caring people online and in my life. thank you all and God Bless you. Every handmade item, or other item that we receive for baby Nevaeh will be cherished forever. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Really neat Giveaway

2009-07-16T09:21:00.001-04:00

Hey I found this neat giveaway that alot of us Angel mommy's would appreciate. Here it is RT @mymomsview Giveaway - $50 Gift Certificate to Birthday Keepsakes http://a2a.me/bbD Ends 07/20

Go check it out and enter for your chance to win!!

Here is something to think about......

2009-07-15T17:39:00.001-04:00

Think about this:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments

------------------------------------------------------------------------

COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
That during the mad cow epidemic our government could track
a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right
To the stall where she slept in the state of Washington ?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
Unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around
Our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow..

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE CONSTITUTION

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was
Written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for
Over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments posted in a courthouse or Congress is this --
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not
Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and
Politicians .... It creates a hostile work environment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry I have not posted in a while....

2009-07-11T14:53:00.004-04:00

Hi all. Sorry that I have not posted for a while. I have been pretty busy not to mention kinda sick. First my hubby's grandmother has been really sick for over a month now and she just does not seem to be getting any better. She only lives 2 houses up the street from me and I have been trying my best to keep an eye on her. She was first diagnosed with pneumonia and it is since cleared up with 2 rounds back to back of Zithromycin. Now she is still somehow running fevers and having night sweats and not wanting to eat at all. Plus this lady was always up until 10:30pm-11pm every night because she had shows that she faithfully watched. Now she goes to bed before 7pm most nights and just the other night was in bed around 5:30pm. I am really worried about her. I hope they soon find out what is wrong and she bounces back!!!

As you all know my father has moved right next door to us and he is not in the best health himself. He had a quad-bypass back in Dec of 08'. So I have been keeping a really close eye on him to and making sure he gets his meds and making sure he is eating. He is in his glory having the girls at his house anytime they want to. They love to spend the night with Papaw. The youngest has to go to his house every morning for breakfast and he will fix her whatever she wants. I think that he is spoiling them!!! LOL

Makailyn (my 6 yr old) has been going to summer school of sorts called Energy Express for the past 2 weeks and will continue to go until the beginning of August and then Cheer leading starts. She is really enjoying it so much. She gets up around quarter til 8am and catches the bus down the street at about 8:30am. She then gets home around quarter til 1pm Monday Thur Friday.

I have both girls in our local library's Summer Reading program. They love it!! I usually take them every Saturday to the Library to pick out their books and then it seems like they want to read every one of them as soon as we get home. I am not complaining, because not too many children like to read let alone are interested in reading. Makailyn usually reads her books to Makenzie with little or no help. I then read Makenzie's books to them both. I think we just returned every Eric Carle Book the library had since they are Makenzie's fav's and Makailyn had a majority of the Dr Seuss books because those are her favorite.

This evening is the New Creek Carnival at 6pm and we are planning on taking them up for a little bit. Its nothing big only a few little kids rides and a few games, but its something to do in this small town. The girls have been so excited all day today and wanting to know when they open. They do not understand that it is not until 6pm and are getting anxious and antsy!!!

So now you know how my life has been here lately.....I just feel so Rushed sometimes.....I think I need some me time here very soon......

Oh and me I think that my nerves are starting to get the better of me the closer September comes. I have had a headache for a week now and can not seem to kick it....I was taking Tylenol, but it is starting to tear up my stomach and that makes for a miserable night of sleep...if you want to call it that....? I am still loosing weight like crazy and just do not understand it at all??? Anyone else experience that? According to my dad's scales and WIC I have lost a total of 16lbs so far. I guess we will see on Monday what my Dr has to say. I often wonder if the reason I am measuring 3 weeks more is that I am retaining extra fluid, but wouldn't I be gaining more weight instead of loosing??? Any input is greatly appreciated and helpful!! I tell the family these things and they are getting their hopes up for a miracle and I told them to just stop that everyone is different and I am not going to get my hopes up for that. I mean that would be the best thing in the world, but I am not expecting it at all. Thank you all for keeping up with my blog!!

MckLinky Blog Hop

2009-07-07T00:03:00.001-04:00

*** This is one of my favorite pictures that I have ever taken of my oldest daughter Makailyn. She was a little over 2 years old here and you can really see her personality and attitude here.

This week, on TUESDAY, 7/7/09, the theme is A FAVORITE PHOTOGRAPH. Post up one of your favorite photographs and a caption that tells the audience about it. Here is a sample: http://mcklinky.blogspot.com/2009/07/mcklinky-photo-blog-on-tuesday-sample.html Do not change any part of this snippet of code except for this paragraph only.... replace the text that falls between (and includes) the opening and closing asterisks. Be sure to enter your own link to your own blog hop post as soon as the blog hop starts!***

Here are some of my Maternity pictures from yesterday plus some of the girls also!!

2009-06-29T21:10:00.006-04:00

These photo's where taken at Studio 97 by Dina Delany

I just entered Makenzie into the Cutest Hero Contest

2009-06-25T13:34:00.002-04:00

Hey, I just submitted an entry to the Cutest Lil' Hero Contest and would be really grateful if you'd check out my entry.

You can view my entry at: http://www.wildfireapp.com/website/6/contests/730/voteable_entries/779333 Thanks!

Please vote for her. She could win $200.00 and It will go directly to her for things she wants or needs for School this fall, cause She was finally excepted to be a Pre-K kid!!! I am so proud of her!!! Thank you all!!!!

Littlest Hero Contest

Voting begins on July 6th through July20

I have a wish on Wish Upon A Hero if you would like to read it...

2009-06-25T01:26:00.011-04:00

I made this for My Angel Nevaeh Grace

I just made a wish On Wish Upon a Hero if anyone is interested in reading it.
http://www.wishuponahero.com/wishes/?id=287113 click title to go to wish. Thank you.

I would also say thank you for keeping up with my blog. It warms my heart that there are good people in this world who still care about more than just themselves. I know that I do not comment on everyone elses blogs but I do when I have time read each of them. It may be a day or so after they are posted but I do read them and they are an inspiration to me.

Anyway today was a pretty inbetween day for me. I did not get up until 11:30am and that was only cause my hubby who works nights had to go to bed and I needed to get up with the girls so that they did not destroy the house......as if it is not already that way to begin with. He also could not contain himself with the letter that we received this afternoon in the mail for Makenize. My baby girl was accepted into Pre-K. My baby is growing up and off to school. So I now have a 1st grader and a Pre-K kid......what will I do with my free time???? I know that the first few months after school begins are going to be extremely rough and I will not want to do anything but lay in bed, but I will be praying that God will give me the strength to handle what he is giving me. I am still not sure how long my hubby is going to be able to take off from work, but I know that I will need him here with me for a long time. I may sound selfish, but I do not want to be alone. His work has already OKed him 6 weeks for FMLA, but it is not paid for and we can not go without money for that long as that is our only income and we live pay to pay as it is. So I will just have to deal with being alone after he goes back to work. I will just sleep or lay on the couch or in bed by him while he sleeps. The closer it gets to my due date the more scared I get. I do not want this to end yet, I am not ready. I know that I will never ever be ready though. I am not to proud to say that I am Scared to Death to loose my baby girl Nevaeh Grace. I wish that I could keep her in me forever and keep her safe. But I have to let go and let her go be with Jesus. I trust that he will take excellent care of her, but I will be left empty. And I just dont know how I will be able to handle that feeling. I just feel like I am slowly dying right now. Is that normal?? Am I going crazy??? I know that I have to be strong for my other babies and for my hubby, but sometimes it is sooooo very hard. I smile in public like nothing is wrong, but deep down inside I am crying and dying. I am finding it hard to enjoy everyday things and getting aggrevated over stupid things and flying off the deepend over nothing. I hate hurting my baby girls feelings and I do not want them to think or feel in anyway that mommy does not love them. Cause they are the world to me and I would do anything for them that is in my power. If I had the money and the means I would give them everything that they could ever ask for. All I can say is that I am trying my best, but I feel that my best is not good enough.

I did manage to take them out back this afternoon to swim. I got in and cooled off and sat in the steps and walked around a bit, but then I got out and just watched them and took some pics of them. All I wanted to do was come inside and curl up in a ball on the couch and go to sleep. I feel so bad that I could not enjoy them having fun and playing. Am I a bad person for that?? Then when my hubby got up he made hotdogs on the grill and then he wanted to get in the pool. He asked me and I said that I just did not want to. He just wanted to spend some time with me in there, but I just wanted to be left alone. I know that he was hurt by it and I am sorry. I feel like I am neglecting him too. He just took the girls back out for about an hour. I did manage to walk out and sit in a chair and watch for a while and take a few more pics. I just feel like a crappy mommy and a horrible wife.

On another note the PreK letter put Kenz on the move about potty training. After she learned that she was indeed going to school in September she was ready to pee and poo on the potty. Off came the pull up and on went the biggie girl panties. No accidents whats so ever. She peed in the potty and was soooo proud of herself. She even jumped out of the pool a few times to stand in the grass to pee. I had to fight her to get her in a pull up for bed. So we will see what happens tomorrow. I am going to post some pool pics on here and then I am headed to bed. My pill is kicking in and I can barely keep my eyes open. Love and Hugs to Alllllllll, Mia

Happy Belated Fathers Day...

2009-06-22T20:42:00.002-04:00

Sorry that I have not updated in a while, but I have been busy. Saturday was just a blur to me as I could have cried at the drop of a hat. I was on an emotional rollacoaster all day long. But for fathers day I was able to straighten up and attempt to make my husband feel like a king!!! I started the day by making my hubby breakfast. I made him pancakes, sausage, scrambled eggs and coffee. He was grateful for that. Then the girls could hardly wait to give him gifts....(thank you WUAH friends for your help)...He got a watch, a pair of blue jean shorts, a pair of Keyser Tornado shorts, a pair of WVU shorts, a t-shirt that says Big Daddy, and a Carl Edwards t-shirt. We also picked him up 2 cards from walmart too. After that Eric's dad and sister stopped by for a visit and then we went to see his Mom (My mom in law) and step dad to wish him a happy fathers day. Then we went to my Dads and I made him and Eric fathers day dinner. Which consisted of Meatloaf w/cheese for my hubby and then I made a traditional meatloaf for my dad only I stuffed 2 peppers with it and then put the rest in 2 muffin pans and called them Meat Muffins.....(Racheal Ray trick)!! With that I fixed corn and green beans, mashed potatoes and brown and serve rolls and we had applesauce too. They ate like pigs including my oldest Makailyn. I swear I think she is on a growing spurt lately. Cause all she wants to do is eat eat eat!!!

Today I got up at 10:30am I know I know I am lazy!!! But I actually woke up in a pretty good mood today....Which is really a shock to pretty much everyone....Those days come pretty few and far between....I had a Dr appointment at 1pm and my dad had an appointment for his Echo at 3pm so he just road with us. My Dr appointment went GREAT!!! I have lost a total of 11 pounds, but my blood pressure was back to normal which makes me feel better. It was staying in the upper 20's to 30's on the top and in the upper 80's on the bottom. This time I think it was (dont quote me on this) 112/62 or something close to that. Baby Nevaeh Grace is still as rambuxious as always.....flippin and a floppin; her heart rate was 144bpm. She is measuring at 30 and we are 27.1 so she is measuring bigger than expected. Dr. says that Anen babies are usually small.
I also got my script for Folic Acid and a nerve pill. I am hoping that the nerve pill will take the edge off and I will be able to eat more and stop loosing weight. Not that I could stand to loose some more, but this is not the time for that right now. I just hate having this queesyness constantly after I put anything in my tummy. The zofran are working pretty good, but they are also causing more headaches and I have to take more tylenol with them. But they are worth it in the long run. So all in all I had a pretty good Dr visit!!! I did not leave the office nearly in tears as I usually do. They also let me borrow a doppler to check her heart beat and make me feel more comfortable. The girls really love it and I am hoping that it will help my hubbys grandmother see this pregnancy in another light. She is starting to come around and asking me more about Nevaeh minus the sarcasim. That is always a plus!!!

When we got home today we had to go to walmart for fill my scripts and got some groceries for our trip to Rocky Gap with my sis~in~law, my best friend and a bunch of other mommy's and all of the kiddo's on Friday to have a picnic and swim. All I need to find now are some sand toys for the girls. I am going to look at the Dollar Tree tomorrow if not there then I guess I will see what the Goodwill has. They are excited cause they will get to play in the sand and feel like they are on a beach. It will be nice to get out of the house for a change and get to socialize with adults.

We just got out of the pool. The water was 79 almost 80. Kinda cool, but refreshing. Makailyn is a little fish and is only swimming with her special bathing suit that has built in floaty devices in the body of it. She still does not like to go under the water, but she is getting a little bit braver every time she is in. Little Miss Makenzie really surprised me this year. Last year she was a leach and would not go by herself at all. This year she puts on her special suit and her armies and goes from 3 to 8 foot without anyone holding her.....All by meself as she says....She is even trying to swim without her armies just like Bubba aka Makailyn. She just needs to remember to keep her mouth shut cause she sometimes strangles on water and it scares her. They did not want to get out, but I was getting cold and ready to come in and relax. I told them that noone was going to come into Mom-Moms back yard and steal her pool....LOL!!! I am pooped now and about ready to go into my room stretch out on the bed and watch one of the Redbox free movies I brought home today. Either Friday the 13th or She just not that into you.....Still debating on which one to watch.....I love me a good horror flick!!!

So I think I am calling it a night!! Sweet Dreams all and I hope and pray that I get another good nights sleep tonight. I have a feeling I will, atleast I am hoping!!! Big hugs to all....I have been praying for all who have lost their angels and all who are going to in the future. Thank you for being my online friends!!!

Home from VBS...tomorrow is the last day :( and family night....

2009-06-18T21:38:00.002-04:00

Well tonight's lesson was about obeying Jesus and taking Jesus into your heart and being saved. The girls made Choo Choo Trains that say "Serve Him"; they got to use glue and magnets so they can hang them up..... After the closing prayer Makailyn asked Pastor Jody if her would pray for her baby sister. It brought tears to my eyes and I am so proud of her for thinking of her. She also wants to do the opening prayer tomorrow evening. I am about ready for bed for the night. So I will update more tomorrow if I get a chance. ((((HUGS)))) Mia

Boomerang Express Music Videos

2009-06-18T14:10:00.005-04:00

VBS 2009 Boomerang Express

2009-06-18T12:17:00.002-04:00

This is what the girls and I have been doing every evening this week. The church across the street from us has been having Vacation Bible School. This years theme is Boomerang Express and everytime that is said the children are supposed to yell "It all comes back to Jesus"!! They are learning 4 songs and dance moves that go along with them, so today I searched youtube for them and sure enough I found them...Now my daughters are addicted to watching them and learning the words and the movements. If I can figure it out I will post them on here. They are nice songs to listen too. There bible verse has been "God loved us so he gave his only son Jesus". We are learning the story of Peter and how he came to know Jesus and last night the children learned that Peter denied Jesus 3 times before the rooster crowed. I am anxious to find out what the skit will be about tonight. Makenzie just loves to see Jesus and learn about him. She always asks her teacher if he is coming back so she can see him after every skit each night. I am with the Pre-K class and we learned last night about being a Christian. He tried to explain it in words that children that young could explain. And I thought that he got his point across. He said that Dogs dont meow and cats dont bark and dogs dont fly. He told them that there are things that Christians do not do also and explained that lying and being mean and hitting where things that Christians do not do, just like dogs and cats dont do what each other do. That really caught their attention too. They had a snowcone for their snack and made a rain stick out of paper towel roll and stickers about Jesus and God. We then went to bible study and learned more about Peter and Jesus, and learned about Missionaries and how they spread the word of Jesus.

I will try to update on what we do this evening....

Finally a Name for our Angel....

2009-06-16T21:14:00.001-04:00

Well after alot of thought and names we have finally come up with the perfect name for our baby girl. I will start off by telling you that this name came to me in a dream about a week ago. I think that it was God's way of telling me that this is her name. I really do not know why but I dreamt about her after I gave birth. I do that often. But here is our little Angels name.

Nevaeh Grace Spiker I believe that this is the most appropriate name to give her and I think that God has chosen this for her as well. If you do not know Nevaeh is Heaven spelled backwards. I have always liked Grace for a middle name and it is by the Grace of God that I have her with me right now.

Pictures that I promised last week

2009-06-16T21:05:00.002-04:00

Here are the pictures that I promised last week of the gifts from PPFL. I have also included a picture of an outfit that I could not help but buy the other day while at walmart. I was looking for a hat to match her heaven sent outfit, but have came up empty handed.

Update from yesterday

2009-06-16T20:40:00.002-04:00

Well, Dr called me today and we talked a good while. She did apologize, but still sticks to wanting me to have a vaginal birth. She said that she feels that it is the best thing for me especially if I want to have more children. She also put me on Zofran for my nausea and vomiting. It seems to be taking most of the queezyness away. I still can not eat all that much. I will just have to deal with that from now on. We both feel that it is my nerves and the stress that I am under. She also apologized for that too, she said that she did not think that it was that bad. I just wish that she would understand where I am coming from about the c-section. I want to give my baby girl the best chance she can have to breath life on this earth. I have already told my husband that I want him with her every second after she is born and not to worry about me. I guess I really have some soul searchin to do right now and thinking about what is best for me in the long run. I just want to meet my baby girl, and I want to hear her life and see her breath if only for a few seconds. If I can not then I want my husband too experience that, as I am experiencing her life inside of me. He needs that moment also. Am I being selfish to my other girls?? Should I have another VBac so that I will be able to do more for them?? Dr told me that I may labor and not progress and still have to have a c-section. I just do not know what to do I am torn.......My heart is breaking with this decision.........Why cant she just be a normal baby girl????? Please pray that God will guide me to make the right decision? Please??

I am going to be seen every 2 weeks to ease my mind. I am so glad for that. Thank you for listening to me ramble on and on.....

Love and Hugs!!! Mia

Still having difficult time......

2009-06-15T22:58:00.002-04:00

As I wrote in an earlier post, It is only getting harder for me as the time passes by. I am not to the point where I can not eat because of nausea or vomiting. I have lost a total of 14 pounds so far. I went today for my 1 hour glucose test and a urine culture because my urine tested positive for nitrates last week. So I figure I have a UTI......lovely.......I finally called my OB today about the nausea again, but she had already left for the day. I however spoke to her office manager, whom I really have come to like so much, about what is going on and what went on last monday at my appointment. She was putting a note on my chart and going to have the Dr to call me. Well she called me while I had the girls at bible school this evening and I had my phone on silent out of respect of being in a church and wanted uninteruppted time with my girls. I have not had time for just my girls for a while now cause I have been babysitting my nephew for the past almost 2 years. I have since given that up and hopefully that causes no hard feelings there. I just can not handle that added stress right now and not being able to sleep at night and having to get up at 5:30am has been taking a toll on me mentally and physically. I have just decided that with what my family is going thru right now it is time for us to be a family just us 4 plus baby....and try to enjoy what time we have left with this precious Angel. I am just hoping that everyone understands where I am coming from and has no hard feelings from this. And oh well if they do.......

Tomorrow I am hopefully going to take the girls to a local playground for a Party in the Park sponsored by our Library. I am hoping to get a good nights sleep and can finally eat a bit in the morning even if its toast. I am also going to be getting a phone call from my OB and hopefully it is an apology for the way she treated me last week, plus she said she has test results too.

I think that I am going to turn in for the night after I catch up on a few blogs that I have missed these past few days. thank you all for reading!!! (((HUGS))) to all!!!!

Something I would like to Share with my friends.....

2009-06-11T16:54:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to share with you a wonderful website that I found quite a while back. It is called Wish Up A Hero. I have had wishes granted on this site as well as granted wishes for others myself. Their motto is "Everyone has a Wish, Everyone can be a Hero". If you take a look at the left side of my blog I have a link there for anyone who wants to take a look at this wonderful site. I did not want to keep this to myself, as I am sure there are alot of you out there who have wishes also that you can not grant yourself. Bless you all!!!

Here is a little bit about them from their About Us section on the site:

Wish Upon A Hero was first conceived by founder Dave Girgenti shortly after the September 11th attacks on New York City. From his home in NJ, Girgenti watched as thousands of people posted pictures of missing loved ones throughout the city. He thought there had to be a faster, more organized way to connect people in need. That was the moment in which the idea was born.

Less than five years later, Hurricane Katrina created a similar catastrophic event in New Orleans where hundreds of thousands of people needed immediate help. This time it wasn't just about locating loved ones. Hurricane victims needed everything from healthcare services, food, fresh water, clothing and shelter.

t became clear that Wish Upon a Hero needed to become more than an idea. Over the next two years, Girgenti exhausted every resource at his disposal to create an online community that offered a platform for people to help people. Working under the mantra of “No wish too large and no hero too small,” Girgenti created www.wishuponahero.com, which launched in September 2007. This is a one of a kind service designed to connect those in need with people that can truly change their lives.

Cast a wish
Wish Upon A Hero is completely free to its users, allowing everyone who registers the opportunity to cast up to three wishes at a time. Because Wish Upon A Hero is designed to help everyone, wishes can be big or small, elaborate or simple, based on financial need or just asking for a simple favor.

Be a hero
Wish Upon A Hero is a unique venue for any individual, organization, or company looking to make a difference in someone’s life, or the lives of countless people. Heroes come in all ages and from all walks of life. All of us, from our nation’s most powerful corporations to individual philanthropists, and those with limited financial means, can be someone’s hero:

* A man who buys uniforms for his town’s little league team.
* A plastic surgeon brings his skill to the aid of an uninsured breast cancer survivor.
* A national appliance retailer that donates a refrigerator to a single mom with a newborn.
* A groundskeeper at Yankee stadium who helps a woman fulfill her father’s lifelong dream of throwing a single pitch across home plate.
* A group of 8th graders that rally behind a fellow student whose home was lost in a fire.
* A woman who writes to a man in Seattle to say, “I think I’m the sister you’ve been looking for since we were separated 21 years ago.”
* A female soldier stationed in Iraq who says, “yes, I will.”

Once a wish is granted, the hero can choose to remain anonymous, or be formally recognized on the Wish Upon A Hero website.

Sign up and post a Wish or become a Hero today. Everyone can help anyone.

What's in the Mail today??

2009-06-11T12:23:00.003-04:00

Hello All, I just wanted to share with you what we received in the mail today. As most of you probably are aware of a website called Prenatal Partners for Life (PPFL). Well a couple of weeks ago I went to that site and told my story and today I received a wonderful box in the mail from them. I had totally forgot about doing that and was so surprised at what my baby girl had just received. In the box was a Blanket made by Luke's Blankets of Love that is absolutely beautiful, a little lamb that has a silky blanket attached to it and their beautiful CD called Down The Road Of Bittersweet. There was also a card addressed to me which I cherish. It had beautiful words wrote in it, and I thank them so much for such wonderful gifts. I will take some pictures later on a post them, but right now I have a house full of children who are keeping me pretty occupied!!

I just thought that I would share that with you today. Bless you all and thank you for reading!!!

Here are some Encouraging Bible Verses

2009-06-09T16:14:00.002-04:00

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 14:27

Wait for the LORD;be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:14 New International Version

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12 New International Version Bible

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened."
Take Courage
1 Peter 3:14

"The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever."
Psalm 23

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.
Psalm 55:22

I lift up my eyes to the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2

Have had a pretty rough weekend and now Monday not starting of good....

2009-06-08T20:22:00.003-04:00

Well this weekend pretty much sucked!!! I felt horrible....I can not eat.....and all I did yesterday was vomit (sorry for the TMI). I know that these days are to be expected. But this weekend what the worst yet, and then I go to my Dr's thinking that maybe hearing my baby's heartbeat would life me up. Boy was I wrong!!!! First they did not tell me if I gained or am still loosing. I know I have lost because I have been keeping track. Then she did not even tell me what her heart rate was or if she is measuring ok. All she was worried about is whether or not "I Still want to do this?" I told her yes and that we have discussed it and we want to have a scheduled c-section for the baby's sake. She said "WHY??" I told her that my 1st daughter was born by c-section and I had a rough time with my youngest and that she had to put the Vacuum on her head and my heart rate and blood pressure kept dropping. She really got nasty and said "I do not prefer to do that but I guess I can." I also asked for a script for folic acid to start now and she said "NO" because it will not help now and I said that I know that I just want to start now for future pregnancies. She said no that she would when we decided to try again. I also told her about me not being able to eat and a she asked if I was vomiting and she asked if anyone else was sick and I told her no. I said that I think that it is my nerves and all she said was you will have that. She never even offered me anything to help that. She was in the room all of maybe 5 minutes and then left. I have never felt so mistreated in all of my life. Am I over exaggerating because of hormones or what?? I have seriously considered in switching Dr's at this point. Am I wrong??? Should I stick it out??? No one should have to endure that......NOONE.............!!! She has also spaced out my visits even more than usual. Now she does not want to see me for 5 weeks now?? I am 25.2 days pregnant. I feel like I am being just tossed aside at this point. I just feel horrible...

On another note...I did get my haircut finally today. It was down to the middle of my back and now it is above my chin. I feel soooooo much better now. I hope this helps with the headaches.

Will someone please give me your input on what I am going through right now. Am I being too sensitive?? Thank you for reading my blog. I really enjoy writing it and reading your comments. Bless you all.

Raffle for Sufficient Grace Ministries :posted for Holly, Carleighs Mommy

2009-06-07T22:50:00.001-04:00

"The Saturday of the Pancake Breakfast I did something out of impulse. As I was driving a thought entered my head and before I knew it I was at Michael Ellers (a well known jewelry store in Findlay) and I bought something. I found a necklace called a captive opal (aka floating opal). It is a glass bead that has opal flakes that float in it. It is suspended on a 14K gold chain. It's really neat and when I saw it I knew I had to buy it. (Sorry about the pic-I don't have a real fancy schmancy camera.) You can also view it here. (It is the 10th pendant.)"

"When I bought this necklace I had in mind to do a type of raffle/giveaway thing to benefit Sufficient Grace Ministries. So I talked it over with Kelly and got everything finalized.

Each entry of the raffle is $2 and can be submitted by the ChipIn widget below. There is no limit to how many entries one person can have.

This raffle will run for 2 weeks beginning at the time of this post and ending at 11:59 pm EST on June 21. The winner will be announced at noon on June 22."

Thank you so much!!!

Fun in the Sun!!

2009-06-07T20:27:00.000-04:00

Here are some new pictures of the girls....

2009-06-06T09:56:00.003-04:00

Something else I made for the baby

Pictures of my daughters

Pretty Busy Day today.....

2009-06-05T15:32:00.007-04:00

Well, today was pretty busy. It was Makailyn's last official day of Kindergarten, but she did not go. I keep her home, because I recieved her report card yesterday at her end of year picnic. She is now an official 1st grader!! I could not be more proud of her! She is such a bright little girl. The main reason that I kept her home today was because since it was raining the kids had to clean the classroom. How nice is that for the teachers to make their pupils do what the janitors are getting paid to do. That is just beyond wrong in so many ways. Why couldnt they do a craft or read stories or just play inside??? I just can not belive that. So I let her sleep in this morning; if you want to call 7:30am sleeping in?? LOL

So, eric had to get the oil changed in the car this morning, then we headed to the market. How eventful was that with a 3 and 6 year old. I want this I want that.......but other than that they where pretty good. Than we came home and put them away and then Makenzie had a dentist appointment at 2:30. She did great at her appointment this time. She did not have to have anyone in the chair with her like the last few times. She also got an excellent report. She has perfect teeth for a 3 year old. He said that her teeth are perfectly straight for now, but when the adult teeth start to come in she will not have any room for them all so they will come in crooked because she has a small mouth. (I kind of laughed when he said that one) LOL My child with a small mouth??? Just kidding. After her appointment we had lunch and now hopefully they will nap. They are getting cranky and need one BAD!! So does mommy!!

I go to the Dr on Monday for a check up. I will be 25 weeks tomorrow. I just can not believe that it has been 7 weeks since we got the news on our precious angel. She is getting so active now. I often just sit and watch my tummy roll back and forth and get side tracked from what I was doing. Makenzie likes to lay her head on my belly to see if she will kick her. Sometimes she will, but sometimes she will not. Poor Makailyn has yet to feel her move. When she is moving I will have her come over to me and put her hand on my belly, but the little bugger stops moving around. I told her in due time she will get to feel her baby sister. Makenzie keeps telling me that she loves her baby sissy and that she does not want her to be killed. I told her that she was not going to be killed, that she was just going to go live with Jesus and the Angels in heaven. I dont know what else to tell her. She will look at me and say "Well she will be dead then" I told her that I know that, but we can still love her and talk about her. Makailyn does not say much about her. I dont know what to think about that. She has been starting to get aggressive towards us, but especially me for some reason. I dont know if she might think that it is my fault that her sister is going to die or what. I can not get her to open up at all. My husband has even tried to talk to her. I have seriously concidered taking her to counseling and seeing if that would help her. If anyone has any suggestions, please by all means let me know them. I am getting despirate now. I just do not know how much more I can take at this point. Dont get me wrong I love her sooooo much. She is my first born and she has went thru so much since the day she was born. She was born with bilateral club feet and has had to have 2 major surgeries to correct them. One surgery was at 9 months and the other when she was about 2 years old. And then she had to have her adnoids removed a few months after that, because they where growing into the back of her nasal cavity. Now she has to probably have her tonsils removed sometime this summer, because they are starting to block her airway because they are so enlarged.
The poor thing has had it rough. My 3 year old has also had her share of medical problems. She has febrile seizures and has been in the hospital quite a few times for being sick and not knowing what is wrong with her. We have also been battling her iron count and we finally have it at almost 11 now. She is now complaining of leg pains in the back of her thighs in the evening to the point that she will drop to the floor holding them and cry. This has been going on for a few weeks and I thought that it was because Makailyn had been complaining of calf pain because of her feet and had to go to therapy for a few months, but she has not complained in awhile and I am starting to get concerned that its may be more than just growing pains. Maybe I am being alittle obsessive about them, but I can not help it. They are my babies and I am aloud to worry. Plus my oldest brother had juvenile arthritis when he was little and so did I, but mine started at the age of 13. So that makes me worry that that may be her problem. Enough about that.

I want to thank each and everyone of you who have taken the time to read my blog. I appreciate it greatly. I never really knew much about blogging until I came across on while searching for info on Anencephaly, but now that I have read these blogs it helps me understand what I will have to go thru and what to expect alittle more. I also feel that it helps me so much to be able to sit down and write all of my feelings down and feel like I am not being judged for what I say. Thank you once again. I am praying for all of the families out there that have or are going through heartache as my family and I are.

I will leave you with one of my favorites from the bible:

"He sent hardships to test you, to determine what is in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. He made life difficult for you... This was to teach you that it is not by bread alone that man lives, but by all that comes out of God's mouth...
He may have been sending hardships to test you, but it was so He would eventually do [all the more] good for you."Deuteronomy 8

Bless you all!!!!

2009-06-01T20:10:00.000-04:00

Had a Wonderful weekend with my family!!

2009-06-01T19:46:00.002-04:00

Wow.....I had the most wonderful weekend this past weekend. I actually got to spend quality time with just my hubby and my girls. I could not tell you the last time we had a family day. I enjoyed ever last minute of it also!!! We got to go to the dirt track races and watch my uncle and his son race and we got to watch the movie Up!! I totally recommend that movie!! We all really enjoyed it so much!!

However I have been paying for it these past 2 days. I think I did alittle too much, because I was really crampy last night and some this morning. But I would not trade that time for anything. I have realized that I not only have to cherish every minute that I have left with my Little Angel, but I also have to cherish ever second that I have with my family as well. This journey is opening up my eyes so much and making me appreciate alot more little things.

The lady who sent the pink baby blanket also sent me a book called "waithing with Gabriel" a story of cherishing a baby's brief life by: Amy Kuebelbeck This is such a wonderful gift and book. I really appreciate her sending it to me. If you have not heard of it or read it I strongly suggest it. It is not about Anen, but HLHS. (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome) but this family has felt the same heartache that each of us has or is. Its very comforting.

I have also joined a couple causes on Facebook and Myspace about Anencephaly. I made the one on myspace and I also made a group on there if anyone is interested in viewing them here are the links. If you want you may add me on either as a friend and join!! I am trying to spread the word about what we are experiancing and what to do to try to prevent it. To my surprise there are alot of people who have never ever heard of this. I just hope and pray they take what they read and see seriously and not think its a joke.

I want to thank everyone for all of the support that I and my family are recieving. It feels really comforting to have so many people care for us and care about what we are going through. As our own families treat us like we have the plague and will not speak of her.

Thank you once again. The top picture is the picture I made for my group and cause and the ribbon is what I made for my profile. If anyone would like to snag it buy all means please feel free!!

http://groups.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=groups.groupProfile&groupid=107866577&Mytoken=D3FE995A-9526-4464-ADDC3147D8AA25CC117590456 (Anencephaly Awareness & Support Group on myspace)

http://profile.myspace.com/Modules/Applications/Pages/Canvas.aspx?appId=100691 (Anencephaly Cause on myspace)

http://apps.facebook.com/causes/110372/43464348?m=e5767d02 (Defeating Anencephaly cause on facebook)

Thank you once again!!

More of her beautiful gifts.......

2009-05-27T13:55:00.001-04:00

My Angels Gifts

2009-05-27T13:49:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since I posted.......

2009-05-27T13:27:00.001-04:00

I have been pretty busy these past few weeks. My youngest daughter just celebtated her 3rd birthday last Saturday the 23rd of May. My father is in poor health once again and I have been taking care of him. Now with me and my family. We have our good days and bad days. Here lately I have been having more bad than good. I think that it is all of the stress that I have been under and all of the worrying I have been doing with my daughters and my dad.

My oldest daughter Makailyn is just starting to get over Strep Throat that she was diagnosed with on my youngests birthday. My youngest has been sick for almost 2 weeks with a cough and congestion in her head and I believe chest also. My father is still trying to get over pneumonia which he has had for over a month now, not to mention having open heart surgery in December of 2008. Now my oldest has to have her tonsils looked at because half of her airway is blocked, so I have a feeling that she will have to have them removed before the summer is over. If it is not one thing it is another these days. When it rains it pours is what my Gran used to say!!!!!

A good note is I went to my oldest Nieces graduation last night and had a nice time with my family. I am so proud of her. She graduated with Honors!!! So that makes me so happy!!! Also on Monday, memorial day, we went to my sisters and had a small cookout with family. I really enjoyed myself so much. I can not wait to do it again. Now if I could just get them to open up and talk about the baby a little more. I dont want them to feel like they cant talk about her around me. I want to talk about her. That helps me so much.

Speaking of the baby......I have had an overwhelming abundace of gifts coming in the mail from so many wonderful people all over the US. I recieved her cute little outfit that we are going to dress her in after she is born in the mail on Saturday. Monday I recieved her handmade pink blanket and then yesterday I recieved her burial gown and bonnet. I am so blessed to have so many people who care for her and I and our family. Thank you so much for the generosity. I thank God everyday for the blessings that I have recieved. I am going to take a few pictures of the items and post them on here for all to see. She is going to be such a beautiful little angel!!

May God Bless you all and keep you safe. Thank you for all of the support and prayers. They are working and helping us through this incredible journey............

2009-05-15T22:42:00.000-04:00

My youngest daughter's thoughts......

2009-05-13T18:06:00.000-04:00

My youngest age almost 3 never ceases to amaze me! Today I was looking for things online for the baby and happened to be looking at a little stuffed lamb that sings Jesus Loves Me. She ran over looked at me and said Mommy my baby sister needs that. Will you by it for her? She then started asking questions about her name and then told me that when she is born she will die. I said yes, and asked her if she understands that she will not come home and live with us. She looked at me all wide eyed and said yes Mommy she is going to live pointing up with Jesus. I told her she was right. She then added Jesus is going to come take her with him. She then asked me again to buy her that lamb and said please she needs one. I had a hard time fighting back those tears. but could not any longer when she went on playing. and they say she does not understand because she is too young.

Sorry that I have not been updating...........

2009-05-12T22:31:00.001-04:00

I went to the Dr. on Monday for my monthly check up. It was not to bad, Its the first one since the diagnosis I was waiting on the tears to start flowing when She began speaking about her. I was fine for the first few mins of talking and then could not hold it in any longer. She apologized and hugged me and said that she was sorry for making me cry. She even has a notice posted in the back office for all of her employees about my situation and to watch what they say to and around me when I am there. She is such a wonderful Dr. I am lucky to have her. I believe that she is the best in my area!!

I also talked to a pastor the other day and that helped me alittle bit. I just have to keep up my faith. I know that I was chosen for a reason and he trusts me to carry his new little angel. Thank you again for reading my story and showing your support for what I am doing and for all of the prayers that I am recieving. They are greatly appreciated so much!!!

Having a pretty good day....

2009-05-08T09:23:00.001-04:00

Hi all. I am having a pretty good day today. The sun is shinning and the rain has stopped for now. It is supposed to start back up though. Hubby is finally able to mow the jungle out back. It's just me and my Kenz now. She is eager to go outside and play. She has not been able to go out for over a week and its driving her nuts. Our littlest is quite active already this morning. She tends to prefer the left side of my belly. She keeps jabbing my bladder and it hurts, but I am enjoying every little movement she is making. I found a website called the Caring Bridge and made a website about our journey. Here is the address it anyone would like to view it. https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyspiker

Well I am going to have to get off of here and start to clean alittle while I have to mojo to do so. It doesnt come often. Thank you again for all of the prayers and support!!! We love ya's!!!

Mommy's Birthday Girl Makailyn

Mommy's baby girl and nephew Ian

Having a Hard Day today......

2009-05-05T09:38:00.001-04:00

Well today makes 1 week since we found out about our precious angel. I did not sleep to well last night, and woke up very nauseated this morning. Every little thing today has me thinking about the future. I know that it is not going to get any better, but I guess I just have to get used to these kind of days. I just want to let everyone know that I appreciate all of the support and prayers that I have been recieving. They are what's keeping me going. I know that this is God's plan and he will take care of me. I am going to get off of her for now, my husband just got home from work and he is hungry and so is my little munchkin. I cant keep her out of the gummies and cookies. I need to fix her something nurishing. Thank you again.

A Heart felt thank you to everyone for their support and prayers

2009-05-04T16:42:00.001-04:00

We just want everyone to know that we appreciate all of the support that we are getting. If it werent for the support and prayers I dont know what we would do. I have come to terms with this and that it is God's will. He needs her more than we do, and I think that my mom needs her too. I know that she has faith in me that I can get through this. I feel her beside of me and she will help me get through this. Her Grandma will hold her tight until I get up there with her. I am just thankful to have her for the little time that I do. I will cherish every second of each and every day and every little hiccup and kick. (I tell you what she can sure kick) I want God to determine when I am ready and strong enough to let her go and when he is ready for her. Thank you all once again. I love each and every one of you!! I will keep you posted on the pregnancy. I go on May 11th to talk to Dr Harrison about what we want to do. She said that she will support me with whatever decision I make, because the best decision is the one we make. She is the best Dr and I love her for the support that she has given us. People say bad things about her, but she is really great!!!

2nd and Final diagnosis of Anencephaly

2009-05-04T16:31:00.001-04:00

Well I am back home. And it is not good news once again. They confirmed that yes she does have Anencephaly. He asked us what our plans where and we both told him that we are going full term with her. I have thought and thought about what to do and we have came to that conclusion. Alot of people are against this, but this is decision. I want to be able to spend as much time with her as possible and I am the one keeping her alive. I do not believe in abortion at all and that is not an option. I also do not want to be the one responsible for her death, I want her to die naturally when God chooses to take her with him. It is up to him how long I have with her and I am greatful that I have had these past 5 months with her. I can go the next 4 too. I know that it will be hard, but we have that much more time with her and that much time to prepare ourselves for what the outcome is. This is Gods plan and I have to except that. I feel blessed that he has chosen me of all people to nurture and care for this precious angel. We want to thank every single one of you for the prayers and the well wishes. This support is amazing and I am so thankful to have family that cares so much and loves so much. I know that we never get to see each other, but that does not mean that I do not love every single one of you's. Thank you once again. I will keep you updated on the pregnancy. Bless all of you!!!! Here are some lyrics to a song I found.

I Will Carry You These are the lyrics to the song
"I Will Carry You", written by Angie and Todd Smith for their baby girl,
Audrey Caroline.
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you Sing sweet lullabies,
wipe your teary eyes Who could love you like this
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life And I will praise the One
Who's chosen me To carry you
Such a short time Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies,
no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One
Who's chosen Me To carry you

www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

She is my precious Angel

2009-05-04T16:28:00.002-04:00

I was searching a little bit ago and came across this blog and it gave me hope. If anyone is interested please check it out. I dont know if my finding it within 5 mins of searching, after praying for her to be ok, is a sign from God or what but I would like to think about it that way. I go to morgantown for a high definition ultrasound friday morning and then go see the high risk dr. Please keep the prayers coming. I am in dire need of them. That is the only thing helping me to cope with this. Knowing that all of these people friends and family care about us that much. It means so much. I have been thinking of some names for her and here are a couple that I have came up with. Elizabeth Faith and Isabella Grace. I want something that has a spirital meaning like of God or something like that. These names just stick in my mind.

http://babyfaithhope.blogspot.com/

Here is her ultrasound pic from the other day.... she is perfect to me....

The initial Diagnosis of Anencephaly

2009-05-04T16:27:00.002-04:00

Well, I am having a hard time typing this, but they have diagnosed our baby with the worst neural tube defect possible. Oh and its another girl. She has Anencephaly (half of a brain) She will not make it. We now have the hardest decision in the world to make. We have the option to be induced now or wait until September. Dr Harrison is calling the Dr from WVU today and asking his opinion and whether we should go out there. I have another appointment with her on May 11th and we will I guess make the decision then. I am at a lose for what to do. I dont want or believe in abortion, but I already know the outcome with this pregnancy. She will either die before I go into labor or during or shortly after birth. I dont know if I am strong enough to go through either. I feel like Im dying inside with every little kick I feel the pain gets worse. I dont even know how to tell Makailyn. Dr Harrison was holding back the tears and so was everyone else in the office. She and her receptionist held me and comforted me too.

2009-05-04T16:26:00.002-04:00

I know and understand that it is a screening and not a diagnostic test, but it still makes me worry. I know that I will love and cherish this baby no matter what. I am just worried about how my husband and his family will handle it if something is wrong. I know that I should not care about how other people are going to take it, but I do. They are the type of people who pick favorites and treat the children differently, Im sad to say. I just dont understand how people can act like that. Thank you again for all of the love a support. I really need it. These past few months to a yr have been rough and then this. I hope it gets better!! Hugs!!!!!!!! Love ya's

Quadscreen Results

2009-05-04T16:18:00.001-04:00

Dr Harrison called me this morning and told me that my Alpha Fetal Protein is still really really high, so she is concerned about the baby now. I go tomorrow for an ultrasound to see how it is doing and then she said that we are going to have to be sent out of town to get a high definition ultrasound done. I have just been so sick on my stomach all day today and have had a headach from worrying about this and dad. For those of you who do not know what im talking about; I had a Triple Screen ran when I was 16 weeks pregnant and that came back abnormal so I had to wait until I was 18 weeks to have a retest to make sure they did not do it too early. So I had it done last monday and it was higher. The alpha fetal protein is detected in the mothers blood when the babys liver makes too much. and the baby's that make too much are baby's who are at a high risk to have a neural tube birth defect like Spina Bifida or Anacephaly (half brain). The screen does not diagnose your baby as having it, but that you are at a higher risk of having a baby with it. The chances are 2 in 100 women with a positive or abnormal screenings baby's end up with it. It is nothing to get too upset about, but it is kind of hard not to when you are the one carrying the baby and you can already feel it move and everything seems normal with it. I am having a hard time, because my husbands family are not supportive at all about this if he/she would have a birth defect. There support when I told them after the first abnormal reading was "your terminating it right?" I told them absolutely not!!! I just can not believe them people. His own mother and grandmother!!!! I believe God is going to give me whatever he thinks I can handle. That is what I was always told. He wont give you something he dont think you can handle and if he trusts me to have a baby with a disability then I am happy that he thinks that highly of me. I will try to get on tomorrow and update on the ultrasound. Hopefully I will be able to let you know what we are having!!